It’s the day after Mother’s Day. For many, that means back to the day to day reality of being a mom after a sweet day of recognition. For others, it means a deep sigh of relief that we have made it through yet another Mothers Day in one piece. In church yesterday, a wonderful older man read the resolution that made the day into a holiday. I don’t believe that the early founders of Mothers Day could even conceive of the day when such a holiday would cause so much pain.
There are those whose mothers are no longer here for them to honor on this day. This causes deep pain to those who are experiencing this loss for the first time. My heart goes out to all of you. I cannot tell you that the pain goes away or even that it lessens. It’s more like your capacity to bear that hurt gets bigger.
There are others whose relationship with their mothers is not what it should be and that causes distress. There are longings on both sides for a better situation but neither side seems to know what to do. Mothers Day might feel like the proverbial lemon being rubbed across an open wound.
This year a number of events have caused me to deeply ponder the parent- child dynamics. Family relationships are not what they used to be. They have become disposable like everything else in our life. But that does a great disservice to our progress and growth into adulthood.
It is a universal truth that teenagers are going to hate their parents. It has been so since the beginning of time. It is also a universal truth that all young adults just starting out in life or marriage or parenthood just know that they will NEVER be like their parents. Their parents did EVERYTHING wrong. It is also universal truth that the day comes when you are like them.
We don’t ever get to know our parents as people until we are grown. As children and teens, we see them only as PARENTS. They don’t have struggles or issues or stress or anything that might explain their bizarre behavior.
But as we mature in to adulthood we realize how hard things really are. We then begin to relate to our parents not as children - adults but as adults- adults. We are old enough to ask real questions and get real answers about their life. We hear their stories as we spend time with them and others who knew them at different times in their lives.
In short, we find out the behind the scenes stuff we never knew as kids and this allows us to see them in a different light. This allows us to see past the authoritative giants we saw in childhood to see just people trying to get along as best they could just like we are doing.
The problem is that in this disposable, move away, Twitter communication world, we don’t get to experience that transition. So many of us are stuck in those child- adult feelings for our parents, we blame them for everything which not only destroys those relationships but keeps us from growing up.
And sometimes parents themselves never allow for that transition. They are the ones keeping the adult-child part of the relationship alive by not allowing the adult- adult stage in. This too robs both of the fullness that was meant to be.
“We may, if we choose, make the worst of one another. Every one has his weak points: everyone has his faults; we may make the worst of these; we may fix our attention constantly on these. But we may also make the best of one another. We may forgive, even as we hope to be forgiven. We may put ourselves in the place of others, and ask what we should wish to be done to us, and thought of us, were we in their place. By loving whatever is lovable in those around us, love will flow back from them to us, and life will become a pleasure instead of a pain; and earth will become like Heaven; and we shall become not unworthy followers of Him whose name is Love.” Anon.
If we could apply these principles to our families, home really could be Heaven on earth. That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
There are those whose mothers are no longer here for them to honor on this day. This causes deep pain to those who are experiencing this loss for the first time. My heart goes out to all of you. I cannot tell you that the pain goes away or even that it lessens. It’s more like your capacity to bear that hurt gets bigger.
There are others whose relationship with their mothers is not what it should be and that causes distress. There are longings on both sides for a better situation but neither side seems to know what to do. Mothers Day might feel like the proverbial lemon being rubbed across an open wound.
This year a number of events have caused me to deeply ponder the parent- child dynamics. Family relationships are not what they used to be. They have become disposable like everything else in our life. But that does a great disservice to our progress and growth into adulthood.
It is a universal truth that teenagers are going to hate their parents. It has been so since the beginning of time. It is also a universal truth that all young adults just starting out in life or marriage or parenthood just know that they will NEVER be like their parents. Their parents did EVERYTHING wrong. It is also universal truth that the day comes when you are like them.
We don’t ever get to know our parents as people until we are grown. As children and teens, we see them only as PARENTS. They don’t have struggles or issues or stress or anything that might explain their bizarre behavior.
But as we mature in to adulthood we realize how hard things really are. We then begin to relate to our parents not as children - adults but as adults- adults. We are old enough to ask real questions and get real answers about their life. We hear their stories as we spend time with them and others who knew them at different times in their lives.
In short, we find out the behind the scenes stuff we never knew as kids and this allows us to see them in a different light. This allows us to see past the authoritative giants we saw in childhood to see just people trying to get along as best they could just like we are doing.
The problem is that in this disposable, move away, Twitter communication world, we don’t get to experience that transition. So many of us are stuck in those child- adult feelings for our parents, we blame them for everything which not only destroys those relationships but keeps us from growing up.
And sometimes parents themselves never allow for that transition. They are the ones keeping the adult-child part of the relationship alive by not allowing the adult- adult stage in. This too robs both of the fullness that was meant to be.
“We may, if we choose, make the worst of one another. Every one has his weak points: everyone has his faults; we may make the worst of these; we may fix our attention constantly on these. But we may also make the best of one another. We may forgive, even as we hope to be forgiven. We may put ourselves in the place of others, and ask what we should wish to be done to us, and thought of us, were we in their place. By loving whatever is lovable in those around us, love will flow back from them to us, and life will become a pleasure instead of a pain; and earth will become like Heaven; and we shall become not unworthy followers of Him whose name is Love.” Anon.
If we could apply these principles to our families, home really could be Heaven on earth. That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
No comments:
Post a Comment