Welfare or illfare?

I have needed assistance from government welfare programs several times in my life. I received food stamps and medical for my children. While I was grateful for the help it was easy to see why the system fails to be a helping hand and instead becomes a way of life. The program itself is set up to keep you at the receiving end.


Its first major flaw is the fact that there is no transition program in place. Let me explain because this is huge! The income guidelines are set up so that if you make only $5 more than the limit set, you lose your benefits. That extra five dollars does not make up for the hundreds of dollars of assistance you are receiving. It’s not rocket science- take the pay raise by being promoted and lose all your benefits or stay in the dead end position and keep them? I would like to see a transition type program in place. As the income increased gradually so would the benefits decrease gradually in equal proportion. Not only would this be fair- it doesn’t kill incentive.

Not only is the program set up to destroy any incentive or problem solving, it is set up to make you lie. Yes, I know we choose to lie but the system is set up in a way that punishes those who tell the truth. Here are two true stories from my experience: my young family is limping along trying to put dad through school as well as his working fulltime. His daily commute was a three hour round trip. We were receiving food stamps. We planned to be off them as soon as he had the better job promised him as soon as school was over.

Our very old commuter car died on us. Our only other vehicle was a 15 passenger gas guzzling van. He drove that for a week and we were broke. So we went car shopping that weekend. We looked at everything available. At the time, interest on new cars was extremely low while interest on used cars was high. Buying a new car (last years model) was going to cost us nothing down and half the monthly payment of any of the used cars. We bought a Geo Metro (remember them?) a three cylinder no frills, commuter car. Problem solved or so we thought.

This choice lost us our food stamps because the car was too new making it too valuable. I argued that we lost 1/3 of the value when we drove off the lot, that it was impossible to sell it for what we owed and that we didn’t even own it- the bank did. Nope!

When I was getting divorced I applied for help. My income from child support was $500 a month. I had no job and due to the lack of work experience (I had been a stay at home mother for 25 years) it didn’t look like I was going to be getting one. I started my own cleaning business. This disqualified me for assistance because I had no way to prove my income. Bank statements are not acceptable.

In both cases if I had stuck to the time honored method of using the system by lying I would have been alright. But that’s not who I am. I did begin to understand why others do however.

The third obstacle is the fact that benefits are easy, free money. I had more cash money when I was on benefits than at any other time in my life. Medical coverage with no co-pays, food stamps that at one point were $800 a month, (I had never, ever had that much to spend on food before or since I might add) and other added perks. How does someone say no to that, especially when they have had the benefits for an extended period of time? It can be addictive and as with any addiction a clean break is what is needed. That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

It's the Yankee way!

A few minutes after talking to a new person I inevitably get asked, “Where are you from?” Apparently I have an accent. I was even asked this by a deaf man who was reading my lips!!!! Since my accent is a medley of all the New England states I grew up in, I reply, “I’m from the New England area.”


Last week, this scenario repeated itself while we were at the car dealership buying our car. A man from the upstairs office was walking through the showroom. He heard me telling a story and came over to listen. As soon as I finished, the question came, “You aren’t from around here, are you? Where are you from?” I gave my usual reply.

It was what happened next that rocked my world (in a good way). He went on to explain that the best friend he had ever had was from New England. My accent, fast talking, and use of my hands while I talk reminded him so much of his friend, he told me. And then, he said, “I really like people from that area. They say it like it is. They hate phony, fake, insincere anything. Yep, you always know where you stand with a New Englander! “

My husband laughed and replied (his usual comment), “My wife, people either love her or they hate her- there is no in between.” And we all laughed as I agreed with him. I have had sooooo many problems with people since I moved west. The judgments that have been passed on my words and actions have confused and overwhelmed me time and time again.

When I was working as an apartment manager, my supervisor mentioned several times that if I didn’t stop doing what I was doing I would lose my job. I would ask her to tell me what I was doing. Her reply was you know. No, I didn’t know. The main office told me that my e-mails were rude. I thought they were short, to the point and professional. After I did get fired I realized that they had expected me to lie, falsify records and NOT do the things I was told to do. They only told me to do those things to cover their butts. I wasn’t really supposed to comply.

But being direct, honest, hard working and not knowing how to play games is in my blood!!! It comes from generations of New Englanders, that chance conversation reminded me that I am a blue blooded Yankee and proud of it. We are direct and honest but we can be because we have no ulterior motives! We say exactly the way we see a situation and expect others to do the same.

I remembered my last visit home. I felt so comfortable again. I no longer had the sense of dread and unease I often have among people here where I feel like a bull in the proverbial china shop and I have to figure out what someone REALLY means.

Here is a conversation that took place with some friends in Maine- they asked about my ex-husband. I mentioned that I don’t actually see him face to face very often. Most of our interactions are done on the phone. I said that on the few times I see him, my first thought is how old and fat he looks. My friends took one good look at me and replied, “Who are you to talk?”

At this point, I started laughing and said, “Yep, that’s always my second thought!” We laughed together and moved on to another subject. It was an open, honest interaction with no offense meant and none taken. That’s the Yankee way. That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

"Perhaps Love....."

“Perhaps love is like a resting place…A shelter from the storm…It exists to give you comfort…It is there to keep you warm…And in those times of trouble…When you are most alone….The memory of love will bring you home.


Perhaps love is like a window…perhaps an open door…It invites you to come closer…It wants to show you more…And even if you lose yourself …And don’t know what to do…The memory of love will see you through.

Love to some is like a cloud…To some as strong as steel…For some a way of living…For some a way to feel…And some say love is holding on…And some say letting go…And some say love is everything…And some say they don’t know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean…Full of conflict, full of pain…Like a fire when it’s cold outside…Thunder when it rains…If I should live forever…And all my dreams come true…my memories of love will be of you.”

I heard this song for the first time in years when I came across an old John Denver tape a few weeks ago. It was a favorite of mine many years ago. A friend sang it at my first husband’s funeral. It seemed so appropriate at the time. It still does. Love is eternal. It surpasses the boundaries of distance, (physical and emotional), it survives death, it is one of the few things we can actually take with us when we leave this existence.

It is also one of the few things that get bigger the more we use it. As much as we may wish it, you can’t say that about money or possessions. So during this upcoming holiday season- see how much love you can give away. That’s what Christmas is all about anyway, isn’t it? Even the Grinch knows that!

That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

Giving Thanks......?

Over eight years ago I started a new Thanksgiving tradition for myself. Each year I choose people in my life that I am feeling grateful to or for and send them a Thank You card. I write why I am thankful for them (it can be actions or attributes) and I always end the note with something like- “This Thanksgiving you are one of the blessings I am grateful for”.


Over the years I have seen the reactions to these notes change. In the beginning there were tears and gratitude was expressed. I heard things like “Wow, you usually have to wait until you’re dead to hear things like this.” Or “You have no idea how much I needed to hear these things right now.”

Then for awhile, there was no feedback. The notes seemed to embarrass the receivers and so no mention was made of them. I wasn’t doing it for the feedback so it didn’t really matter to me. I didn’t recognize it as a trend.

Because my notes last year just plain pissed the recipients off! I was caught off guard on that one. How could expressing thanks piss someone off? They were furious!

I still don’t truly understand it although others have tried to explain. I see it as a growing trend. There are more and more people that get angry at whatever happens - even when someone is trying to be nice. They suspect ulterior motives or condescending behavior or who knows what?

So here’s a clue for those who need one- some of us are really trying just to be nice! We answer to a higher power and walk in a different path. When we say thank you- we mean it. When we say we’re sorry- we mean it. When we say we love you- we mean it. When we say we forgive you- we mean it.

I am still keeping my tradition alive but the joy has gone out of it. What started as a way to uplift my fellow beings now leaves me with concern that I am causing pain and discomfort. I think it’s a sign of the times. If I was sending nasty letters people would be more comfortable. How sad is that?

That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

Operating Principles and marriage

I once had neighbors who after 40 years of marriage decided that they didn’t have anything in common and became divorced. They had raised 4 children and ran their own chicken farm together. After divorcing, she took a job as hostess at a roadside café near home. He moved to another part of the state and opened his own roadside café. He said it had been a life long dream. Nothing in common? Really??


I used to tell this story as a joke – it seemed to us that they had a lot more in common than they thought! I’m not so sure it is a joke anymore. Over the past few months, several of my daughters have made remarks indicating that they think their father and I are more like each other than we are with our present spouses. I have laughed and explained that we were married for 18 years. Some of us had to rub off on the other.

But I began to ponder the situation because I feet that the exact opposite is true. I and my present husband are much more alike as are he and his wife. So what are others seeing? As I started to come to a better understanding, I spent time talking to and thinking about other couples I knew. I think I may have something here.

It has to do with what I call “operating principles”. It is something more than liking the same food, books, music, activities and so forth. Those are the things that my girls see- the outside likes and dislikes. Simply looking at those things they are right. My ex- husband and I are very similar in these areas. Neither of our spouses have the same tastes (greatly due to the fact that we grew up in New England and are true New Englanders and our spouses are true Westerners).

But my present husband and I share the same “operating principles”. We are the same on the inside. We feel the same about religion, politics, family, friendships, etc. We have the same attitudes about work, honesty, commitment and loyalty. Our priorities are similar. We are both practical, pragmatic people.

This makes for a pleasant, peaceful relationship. Outside things such as our dissimilar tastes in food, movies, books, activities, etc. are so much easier to compromise on. We don’t have to compromise on who we REALLY are- our inside selves understand one another.

I am not saying that the other type of relationships can’t work. People make it work all the time. But it does seem to be a lot of work. It’s like the difference between a new pair of jeans and an old pair of pajamas. The jeans are exciting, new, good looking but the pajamas are soooo comfortable. Having experienced both types of relationships I choose the pj’s every time! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

I STLL can't believe this!!

OMGosh! I’d thought that I have seen or heard pretty much everything. Wrong! Yesterday, I stumbled upon an advice column that left me speechless (no small feat)! A woman had just discovered that her husband of 14 years was sleeping with her mother whenever business took him that way. I will pause for a moment so you can get past all the “ewwwws” I mean, this is so wrong on so many levels, right??……………..O.K. so this woman writing in is concerned that something might be wrong with her because knowing this fact does not bother her! REALLY???


But the answer is what really got to me…..I still can’t believe it……the helpful hint lady wrote back, “Congratulations, you are one of the few people on the planet that have actually attained unconditional love. You love your beloved enough to let him be free!!” She went on to expound on unconditional love and its merits. She also shared the merits of letting your man service your mother according to some tribal customs of a remote tribe in the dark woods of “who knows where”. I repeat….OMGosh!!!!! Is this really what we’ve come to????

I reread the letter- here was a line that really hit me- the writer had said, “I don’t seem to have the energy to react to this.” Sweetie, that’s not unconditional love. That’s grief and shock! The first step of grief work is denial and numbness. You are sitting squarely in the middle of step #1. The pain and anger will be following soon (I hope).

Not to mention that the kind of guy that would do this has probably been using you as his doormat for some time. He probably told you that this is natural and an extension of his love for you, didn’t he? I’ll bet he even told you that it helped him to be a better lover to you and made him feel so much closer to you. That’s not love….it is manipulation.

The truth is he is a bum, get rid of him! You deserve better. And as for a mother who would do that to a daughter…….sorry to be the one to tell you….that’s not love either!

When did we start defining unconditional love as total acceptance? You can love someone and not like what they are doing. You can love the person they are or the child you knew or even the influence they have had in your life WITHOUT having to put up with their addiction or abuse or immoral or illegal issues. BECAUSE the person you must unconditionally love the most is yourself. YOU are the person you have to live with 24/7. Are you truly loving yourself if you allow someone else’s issues change who you are?

Some of us confuse forgiveness with allowance- you can forgive someone their trespasses but you don’t have to allow them to trespass again and again and again. That’s called codependence.

God loves us because we are His creations…His children…..even He has set guidelines for behavior. He doesn’t love us in our sins but in spite of them. He knows we can be better and He expects it. He refuses to “ look upon sin with the least degree of allowance”.

And to the helpful hint lady, I wonder what your views would be if it was your man doing your mother? I highly doubt the words “unconditional love” would be the first ones to pop into your mind. I can think of a whole bunch of others that would be more appropriate! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

"Plain Jane" people

If you are a regular reader you know that we have had car problems for the last 5 months, (see ME? A Recluse?). We thought that this past weekend would see an end to the situation. It did but not in the way we expected. We did something we never thought we’d do. We bought a car.


Here’s what happened: I picked up the new computer brain we had ordered last week. I found out that although we could easily install this part it had to be “reflashed” by the service department so the car would recognize its new brain. Friday found us loading our broken car on a trailer (no easy task) and driving it to the big city to get fixed. Since we had a few hours to kill we thought we would walk around the various car dealerships on that particular street and check things out.

A young salesman joined us at one of the car lots and started to “do his thing”. We allowed him to show us some cars and humored him as he continued his sales talk. We could tell he was new at this so we allowed him to practice on us. He showed us a number of cars (we were looking for good gas mileage above all else). Each car seemed to get fancier than the last. I’m sure that most people are impressed by all the bells and whistles but we are not most people.

We were trying to tell him this. I explained that we lived on a long gravel road, that my husband works at a potato processing plant where the parking lot is dirt and gravel and that we were farmers. He didn’t really get it. Finally we said, “We need a car we can USE not a living room on wheels.” He laughed but we still didn’t think he got it.

Meanwhile we get the call saying our car had been fixed. We headed over to pick it up. This decision caused much grief in the sales office ( I think sales class #1 teaches “Don’t ever let them out of your sight after negotiations have begun) but we promised we would be back. Once away from the pressure, we decided that even if they met our impossible offer we would decline. We just didn’t feel ready.

So we are picking up our now running Sentra but before he hands us the keys, the service manager wanted us to see under the car. Basically, they had found several very serious problems. One problem left us unsure of it even making it home. We drove it back to the sales lot and added a new request- what will you give us for trade in value?

At this point, I decide to get some fresh air and walk around the lot a little more. And there it was- our car! I knew it the minute I saw it. I ran in to ask about it. The sales people called it a “plain Jane” type of car. They were surprised that we were interested. We were surprised that such a car is still being made. We assured them that we are “plain Jane” kind of people.

They met all our requests AND gave us $1200 trade in for the car we couldn’t have sold for $500. We said yes. It is our dream car- it has roll down windows, manual locks, non electric car seat adjustments and a non cloth interior! It is also great on gas. The very best part is it won’t take us 3 years to figure out what all the buttons are for. Like I said- we are “plain Jane” people and don’t have any plans to change much in the future. That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

Stand up and be counted!

Tomorrow is Election Day. Deciding who will run our country for the next few years has rarely been more important than the choices that lay before us today. Not only is the race for president hairline close, the race for both branches of Congress is tight, also. It is time to stand up and be counted!


It is also our chance to stand up and be counted for numerous issues in each of our home states. Here in Oregon the issues include measures to shutdown commercial salmon fishing, legalize marijuana and privately owned casinos (not on Indian land). Not being “plugged in”, some of these came as a big surprise to me, especially because the wording of each measure is misleading. Big surprise there, right?

One thing that I have appreciated about the Oregon voting process is the comprehensive voters pamphlets that we receive. Each measure is laid out, explained, assigned a for and against paragraph by committees and then arguments for both sides are included. These spots are paid for and represent individuals and groups. In short, it gives the voter a chance to understand the issue. It works well IF the voter will read it.

Let me tell you what the voting process looks like for me. I have not seen a single commercial. They are usually misleading and emotionally charged anyway. I don’t miss it. Oh, wait there was the one little sound bite on my computer- Morgan Freeman’s voice saying “few presidents have had to deal with as much as this president”. It popped up several times and I was annoyed. I wondered what Lincoln, Truman, Kennedy, Washington, and others would have to say about that. Being president of the United States has never been easy.

So…..no TV commercials to tell me how to vote…….no newspapers……oh, no………how could I possibly make an informed decision? Let me tell you. I watched all four debates on my computer. I love the debates because they are live..can’t call for a retake or cover something up you wish hadn’t been said. It’s a chance to see candidates as they will come across to others all over the world. It’s a chance to see them relate to each others and the audience.

I read about the candidates on many different computer sites. I get the views of those who are for and against. I find getting both sides to be very helpful whether it’s candidates or issues I’m checking on. I think both sides over and vote with the one that I believe to be right.

Over the years making these choices has become easier because I stand firm on social issues. I will never support gambling, drug use, abortions or choices I feel put my countries values or safety at risk. Choices that may strip us of religious freedom or choices that I feel will harm the basic family structure will also always find me standing firmly against them.

Today is the 100th anniversary of women’s right to vote in my adopted state. I’m grateful for the women who fought hard for that right. We women have the Divine privilege of taking care of home and family. We must keep that in mind as we head to the polls tomorrow. Stand up and be counted! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?

ME? A Recluse?

My husband and I have been operating with just one vehicle for awhile. The computer brain in our car went haywire and is very expensive to fix. My husband has been taking our old pickup to work and back. Gas prices here have been close to or over $4 a gallon for some time. This truck is a gas hog. His commute has cost us close to $200 a week further impairing our financial health.


We didn’t realize how long things have been this way- we’ve been saving what little we could each week to get the car fixed but weeks stretched into months. I have found many things to keep me busy at home. Brent’s one day off has seen us madly running errands to get everything done.

I’ve received concerned calls from friends wondering where I have been. For me to have use of the truck we would have to make double trips (expensive) and I realized soon that wasn’t really an option. There weren’t too many things important enough to make it worth it. So I have become a home body. How much of one I didn’t realize until recently.

We came home on one of our errand days to find a notice from our church inviting us back. We were being considered “inactive”. I have made it several times a month but not every week. This kind of brought us up short.

But the clincher came yesterday when I tried to order something online and my card was denied. I received an automated message on my phone telling me that the card was frozen due to unusual activity. I was scared to death that someone had stolen my card number so I returned the call immediately. Turns out that they were concerned because I had not used it at all for several months and suddenly had 3 charges- Wal- Mart, Big Lots and a gas station! MY activity was suspicious!

That’s pathetic! I really am a recluse! Maybe in a few more months I can get my own reality show! I can see it now- “Weird Choices People Make in Hard Times”. Actually, they will have to do that one without me. Today’s check gave us enough money. The part has been ordered. In about 3 days we will be back to two vehicles. My lifestyle won’t change too much though- I get stuck with the gas hogging beast- there still won’t be very many places worth using it but we will be able to stop spending $200 a week for gas. I feel rich already! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?