I once had neighbors who after 40 years of marriage decided that they didn’t have anything in common and became divorced. They had raised 4 children and ran their own chicken farm together. After divorcing, she took a job as hostess at a roadside café near home. He moved to another part of the state and opened his own roadside café. He said it had been a life long dream. Nothing in common? Really??
I used to tell this story as a joke – it seemed to us that they had a lot more in common than they thought! I’m not so sure it is a joke anymore. Over the past few months, several of my daughters have made remarks indicating that they think their father and I are more like each other than we are with our present spouses. I have laughed and explained that we were married for 18 years. Some of us had to rub off on the other.
But I began to ponder the situation because I feet that the exact opposite is true. I and my present husband are much more alike as are he and his wife. So what are others seeing? As I started to come to a better understanding, I spent time talking to and thinking about other couples I knew. I think I may have something here.
It has to do with what I call “operating principles”. It is something more than liking the same food, books, music, activities and so forth. Those are the things that my girls see- the outside likes and dislikes. Simply looking at those things they are right. My ex- husband and I are very similar in these areas. Neither of our spouses have the same tastes (greatly due to the fact that we grew up in New England and are true New Englanders and our spouses are true Westerners).
But my present husband and I share the same “operating principles”. We are the same on the inside. We feel the same about religion, politics, family, friendships, etc. We have the same attitudes about work, honesty, commitment and loyalty. Our priorities are similar. We are both practical, pragmatic people.
This makes for a pleasant, peaceful relationship. Outside things such as our dissimilar tastes in food, movies, books, activities, etc. are so much easier to compromise on. We don’t have to compromise on who we REALLY are- our inside selves understand one another.
I am not saying that the other type of relationships can’t work. People make it work all the time. But it does seem to be a lot of work. It’s like the difference between a new pair of jeans and an old pair of pajamas. The jeans are exciting, new, good looking but the pajamas are soooo comfortable. Having experienced both types of relationships I choose the pj’s every time! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
I used to tell this story as a joke – it seemed to us that they had a lot more in common than they thought! I’m not so sure it is a joke anymore. Over the past few months, several of my daughters have made remarks indicating that they think their father and I are more like each other than we are with our present spouses. I have laughed and explained that we were married for 18 years. Some of us had to rub off on the other.
But I began to ponder the situation because I feet that the exact opposite is true. I and my present husband are much more alike as are he and his wife. So what are others seeing? As I started to come to a better understanding, I spent time talking to and thinking about other couples I knew. I think I may have something here.
It has to do with what I call “operating principles”. It is something more than liking the same food, books, music, activities and so forth. Those are the things that my girls see- the outside likes and dislikes. Simply looking at those things they are right. My ex- husband and I are very similar in these areas. Neither of our spouses have the same tastes (greatly due to the fact that we grew up in New England and are true New Englanders and our spouses are true Westerners).
But my present husband and I share the same “operating principles”. We are the same on the inside. We feel the same about religion, politics, family, friendships, etc. We have the same attitudes about work, honesty, commitment and loyalty. Our priorities are similar. We are both practical, pragmatic people.
This makes for a pleasant, peaceful relationship. Outside things such as our dissimilar tastes in food, movies, books, activities, etc. are so much easier to compromise on. We don’t have to compromise on who we REALLY are- our inside selves understand one another.
I am not saying that the other type of relationships can’t work. People make it work all the time. But it does seem to be a lot of work. It’s like the difference between a new pair of jeans and an old pair of pajamas. The jeans are exciting, new, good looking but the pajamas are soooo comfortable. Having experienced both types of relationships I choose the pj’s every time! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
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