OMGosh! I’d thought that I have seen or heard pretty much everything. Wrong! Yesterday, I stumbled upon an advice column that left me speechless (no small feat)! A woman had just discovered that her husband of 14 years was sleeping with her mother whenever business took him that way. I will pause for a moment so you can get past all the “ewwwws” I mean, this is so wrong on so many levels, right??……………..O.K. so this woman writing in is concerned that something might be wrong with her because knowing this fact does not bother her! REALLY???
But the answer is what really got to me…..I still can’t believe it……the helpful hint lady wrote back, “Congratulations, you are one of the few people on the planet that have actually attained unconditional love. You love your beloved enough to let him be free!!” She went on to expound on unconditional love and its merits. She also shared the merits of letting your man service your mother according to some tribal customs of a remote tribe in the dark woods of “who knows where”. I repeat….OMGosh!!!!! Is this really what we’ve come to????
I reread the letter- here was a line that really hit me- the writer had said, “I don’t seem to have the energy to react to this.” Sweetie, that’s not unconditional love. That’s grief and shock! The first step of grief work is denial and numbness. You are sitting squarely in the middle of step #1. The pain and anger will be following soon (I hope).
Not to mention that the kind of guy that would do this has probably been using you as his doormat for some time. He probably told you that this is natural and an extension of his love for you, didn’t he? I’ll bet he even told you that it helped him to be a better lover to you and made him feel so much closer to you. That’s not love….it is manipulation.
The truth is he is a bum, get rid of him! You deserve better. And as for a mother who would do that to a daughter…….sorry to be the one to tell you….that’s not love either!
When did we start defining unconditional love as total acceptance? You can love someone and not like what they are doing. You can love the person they are or the child you knew or even the influence they have had in your life WITHOUT having to put up with their addiction or abuse or immoral or illegal issues. BECAUSE the person you must unconditionally love the most is yourself. YOU are the person you have to live with 24/7. Are you truly loving yourself if you allow someone else’s issues change who you are?
Some of us confuse forgiveness with allowance- you can forgive someone their trespasses but you don’t have to allow them to trespass again and again and again. That’s called codependence.
God loves us because we are His creations…His children…..even He has set guidelines for behavior. He doesn’t love us in our sins but in spite of them. He knows we can be better and He expects it. He refuses to “ look upon sin with the least degree of allowance”.
And to the helpful hint lady, I wonder what your views would be if it was your man doing your mother? I highly doubt the words “unconditional love” would be the first ones to pop into your mind. I can think of a whole bunch of others that would be more appropriate! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
But the answer is what really got to me…..I still can’t believe it……the helpful hint lady wrote back, “Congratulations, you are one of the few people on the planet that have actually attained unconditional love. You love your beloved enough to let him be free!!” She went on to expound on unconditional love and its merits. She also shared the merits of letting your man service your mother according to some tribal customs of a remote tribe in the dark woods of “who knows where”. I repeat….OMGosh!!!!! Is this really what we’ve come to????
I reread the letter- here was a line that really hit me- the writer had said, “I don’t seem to have the energy to react to this.” Sweetie, that’s not unconditional love. That’s grief and shock! The first step of grief work is denial and numbness. You are sitting squarely in the middle of step #1. The pain and anger will be following soon (I hope).
Not to mention that the kind of guy that would do this has probably been using you as his doormat for some time. He probably told you that this is natural and an extension of his love for you, didn’t he? I’ll bet he even told you that it helped him to be a better lover to you and made him feel so much closer to you. That’s not love….it is manipulation.
The truth is he is a bum, get rid of him! You deserve better. And as for a mother who would do that to a daughter…….sorry to be the one to tell you….that’s not love either!
When did we start defining unconditional love as total acceptance? You can love someone and not like what they are doing. You can love the person they are or the child you knew or even the influence they have had in your life WITHOUT having to put up with their addiction or abuse or immoral or illegal issues. BECAUSE the person you must unconditionally love the most is yourself. YOU are the person you have to live with 24/7. Are you truly loving yourself if you allow someone else’s issues change who you are?
Some of us confuse forgiveness with allowance- you can forgive someone their trespasses but you don’t have to allow them to trespass again and again and again. That’s called codependence.
God loves us because we are His creations…His children…..even He has set guidelines for behavior. He doesn’t love us in our sins but in spite of them. He knows we can be better and He expects it. He refuses to “ look upon sin with the least degree of allowance”.
And to the helpful hint lady, I wonder what your views would be if it was your man doing your mother? I highly doubt the words “unconditional love” would be the first ones to pop into your mind. I can think of a whole bunch of others that would be more appropriate! That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
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