Thirty years ago this week my first husband died. I still think of it every Christmas season. I have written about it before. But this year is different. My entire being is filled with the fear…no, make that terror that it will happen again this year. I am convinced each time that I send my husband off to work that he will not return home.
No amount of prayer, self talk or reassurances from him are alleviating my dread. The phone ringing paralyzes me. Thoughts of what it might be like are sending to me to the bathroom to be sick. My hands are shaking even as I am typing this.
I have planned out all the steps I might have to take. I know who I’ll call first, who I’ll ask others to call and how I will handle other details. This brings a little relief but not much. The real problem is that I have been through this before and I know how completely devastating it is.
The other problem is I don’t know if this is a premonition (something I have experienced before) or my post traumatic stress disorder acting up. It has been 3 years since a huge “bad” thing has happened. Daily life has been “normal” for quite sometime. I haven’t had to move for three years. That might be a record. We have daily, weekly and seasonal routines in place. That is something I’ve never been able to say before.
And it scares me….life being sweet, peaceful and happy. That is one of the drawbacks to a traumatic life. Peace is something I can’t believe in. I wait for the other shoe to drop because it always does. Is it because I don’t believe I deserve to be happy? I don’t know. Is it because I’ve never before experienced prolonged peace? I don’t know.
What I do know is that as each day passes bringing me closer to Christmas- my anxiety increases. I wonder, is it today? Each night that my husband returns to me I am relieved and terrorized at the same time. Yes, he is home but what about tomorrow?
I know how sick and crazy this all sounds but try living it. It is making me crazy!! I should say…crazier!! But on the bright side (yes, there is a bright side) I have shared much of my deepest gratitude and love for my husband. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to my first husband. I am making up for that in spades now. I am telling him all the things I want him to know if we never see each other alive again.
He thinks that’s great and I guess maybe he’s right. We should be saying those things to each other anyway, don’t you think? That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
No amount of prayer, self talk or reassurances from him are alleviating my dread. The phone ringing paralyzes me. Thoughts of what it might be like are sending to me to the bathroom to be sick. My hands are shaking even as I am typing this.
I have planned out all the steps I might have to take. I know who I’ll call first, who I’ll ask others to call and how I will handle other details. This brings a little relief but not much. The real problem is that I have been through this before and I know how completely devastating it is.
The other problem is I don’t know if this is a premonition (something I have experienced before) or my post traumatic stress disorder acting up. It has been 3 years since a huge “bad” thing has happened. Daily life has been “normal” for quite sometime. I haven’t had to move for three years. That might be a record. We have daily, weekly and seasonal routines in place. That is something I’ve never been able to say before.
And it scares me….life being sweet, peaceful and happy. That is one of the drawbacks to a traumatic life. Peace is something I can’t believe in. I wait for the other shoe to drop because it always does. Is it because I don’t believe I deserve to be happy? I don’t know. Is it because I’ve never before experienced prolonged peace? I don’t know.
What I do know is that as each day passes bringing me closer to Christmas- my anxiety increases. I wonder, is it today? Each night that my husband returns to me I am relieved and terrorized at the same time. Yes, he is home but what about tomorrow?
I know how sick and crazy this all sounds but try living it. It is making me crazy!! I should say…crazier!! But on the bright side (yes, there is a bright side) I have shared much of my deepest gratitude and love for my husband. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to my first husband. I am making up for that in spades now. I am telling him all the things I want him to know if we never see each other alive again.
He thinks that’s great and I guess maybe he’s right. We should be saying those things to each other anyway, don’t you think? That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?
No comments:
Post a Comment