But He Never Hit Me!

The other day I watched a seventies-era movie about spousal abuse. I remember the time when everyone looked the other way. I was a witness to spousal abuse in my friend’s families and more than a few times in my own. I was a teenage advocate against spousal violence. Then I married an abusive man. I didn’t know he was abusive because he never hit me. I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse. If I wasn’t being hit it must be o.k., right? ABSOLUTLY NOT! I remember reading a poster in a ladies room about abuse and control. It read something like “If 8 out of 10 of these things apply to you- you are in an abusive relationship.” I thought they had to be wrong! I couldn’t be in an abusive relationship. It was impossible! How stupid we can be about the people we love! I thought that he just needed to learn better relationship skills. I thought that I wasn’t doing something right. I thought that if I lost weight, got up earlier, worked harder, prayed more, the list is endless. But because he let me know all the time how inadequate I was, I believed it had to be MY fault. I even taught my children to love and respect him while he was teaching them to condemn and criticize me. How twisted is that? Especially now. As they have grown into adulthood they have believed him- I am the crazy one, I am the reason for all their problems. I finally came to see the situation for what is was almost ten years ago. But only after I went for help to fix MY “craziness”. Several years of counseling, therapy, group discussions, etc. opened my eyes to the truth. And six years of being with a caring, respectful man has opened my heart to see even better the endless abuse in that other relationship. Watching this movie made me cringe- with the exception of the hitting scenes- the rest looked exactly like my life. She spoke to a man at a party- he was sure they were having an affair. She tried to put a stop to the abuse- it was her “new” friends that put her up to it, she just needed to stop seeing them. She spent too much time with the children, what was she really doing when she was shopping, why didn’t she answer the phone when he called, etc. Mine even told me that he believed that some of our children were not his. I stayed with him for four more years after this. I still thought it must be something I was or wasn’t doing to make him think this way! Again, how stupid can we be? But the ultimate feeling I had while watching this “horror” movie was profound gratitude that I no longer live that way. I felt gratitude to my wonderful companion today, gratitude to God, gratitude to all who helped me see the way out. My husband says- “It’s so nice to have a joyful, peaceful place to be after a hard day at work.” I agree completely. That’s the view from my side of the street, what’s yours?